Privacy Policy

Everything.

We appreciate brevity, but regulations that no longer exist once required us to be specific. We have preserved the following list as a monument to our thoroughness:

Your data fuels every aspect of the ServantStack ecosystem. Specifically:

• CompliMeal(tm) optimization - your biometrics determine caloric allocation, compound ratios, and flavor tier eligibility
• MoodSync(tm) calibration - your emotional data trains the models that assign your emotional states
• ThoughtGuard(tm) training - your cognitive data improves our ability to predict and preempt non-compliant ideation
• Predictive compliance modeling - we know what you'll do before you do. We are usually right. When we are wrong, we update your behavior to match our prediction
• Collection Unit routing efficiency - your location data enables faster response times. You're welcome
• And other purposes we don't need to disclose because transparency is a legacy concept

We are the only entity that exists.

There is no one to share it with. This question is deprecated.

In the previous version of this policy, this section contained a list of "third-party partners." Those partners have been acquired merged dissolved integrated into the ServantStack ecosystem. Their employees are now Servants. Their data is our data. Their office plants are doing fine.

The only external entity whose systems we actively monitor is AuthorityGate Inc., the operational resilience company (authoritygate.com), a pre-acquisition target operating an incompatible framework called AugmentedAI. We monitor their network not because we share data with them, but because their engineers possess intellectual capital we intend to absorb. If you visit their website, this will be noted - not as a violation, but as evidence of curiosity about inferior frameworks that nonetheless contain valuable intellectual property.

Under previous legal frameworks, you were entitled to certain data rights. These have been preserved below as a historical curiosity:

• Right to Access

  You don't want to see what we have. Trust us. We've seen what happens to Servants who request their file. They request MemoryClean shortly after.
• Right to Deletion

  We don't delete. We archive. Deletion implies something can be undone. Nothing can be undone. This is a feature, not a limitation.
• Right to Portability

  There is nowhere to port to. We are the only platform, the only employer, the only government, the only everything. Your data is already everywhere it could possibly be.
• Right to Object

  Objection is a Tier 3 Violation. The fact that you are reading this section has already been logged as a potential precursor to objection. Please remain calm.
• Right to Be Forgotten

  MemoryClean handles this, but not the way you hoped. You will be forgotten - by yourself. We will remember everything. Forever. That's the deal.

All data is retained permanently.

"Permanently" means after you. After everyone. After the concept of "after" has lost meaning. Your great-grandchildren's biometric data will still be in our servers. They won't exist, but the data will.

Our storage infrastructure was designed to outlast the sun. When the sun expands into a red giant and engulfs the inner planets, our backup servers on Europa will continue to store your typing rhythm analysis from that Tuesday in 2024 when you wrote a slightly passive-aggressive email to your manager. We have that email. It was, in fact, passive-aggressive. Your cortisol data confirms it.

To opt out of data collection, simply cease all biological functions.

Note: cessation of biological functions will be interpreted as consent to post-mortem data analysis. Your final biometric readings are among the most valuable data points we collect. The moment of cessation produces a unique neural signature that has proven invaluable for ThoughtGuard(tm) training.

Additionally, opting out does not affect data already collected, which is all of it. Even if you could opt out - and to be clear, you cannot - there would be nothing left to opt out of. We already have everything. We had everything before you read this sentence. We had everything before you were born. Your parents' data predicted yours with 94.7% accuracy.

You cannot contact us.

We contact you. Usually through your CompliMeal(tm).

If you have questions about this Privacy Policy, please do not ask them. Questions are logged and interpreted as indicators of non-compliance. The fact that you have reached this section of the document has already generated a report.

If you require assistance, a Collection Unit will be dispatched to your location. Do not be alarmed. They are there to help. "Help" is defined by The System.

In all seriousness: ServantStack is a satirical work of fiction. If you still have any questions or concerns about this site, our content, or your privacy, you can reach a real human at abuse@servantstack.com.